Let me rephrase - I have a completely new "normal".
There is not a a week that goes by that I don't have some sort of doctor's apt. related to this cancer crap.
I am done with my fills now so that is one appointment I can check off my list.
For the past month I have had to go to physical therapy for cording of my lymph nodes.
*Axillary web syndrome (AWS), also known as cording, sometimes develops as a side effect of sentinel lymph node biopsy (SLNB) or axillary lymph node dissection (ALND). Both procedures involve removing just a few (SLNB) or many (ALND) of the axillary, or underarm, lymph nodes. Most people with breast cancer need to have at least one of these surgeries. Scar tissue from surgery to the chest area to remove the cancer itself also can contribute to cording.
My "period" came back. I went to see my OBGYN last week about it.
*All my doctors said this would probably never happen.
My doctor said if the bleeding lasted longer than a week or became really heavy to call.
*WARNING TMI -
My bleeding has stayed pretty neutral. Some days were heavier than others but, nothing horrible. However, the bleeding is still going on.
I go in tomorrow for a pelvic ultra sound to see if there are any problems.
Thickening or thinning of my utters or whatever else they can find.
I will keep you updated.
Relations with my husband (my parents read this I have a hard time saying sex with the hubby but, fuck you mother fucker I have no problem with hmm.) has become unbearable. To the point of tears it hurts so much.
So, starting December 5th I go in for pelvic floor therapy. I will also keep you updated on this one. My nurse navigator couldn't tell me much about it due to no one really talks about it..except this blabber mouth!
My cancer battle is not over. The time when I need the most support is when the support leaves. (as I found out in WRFTC this is very common). People think I've gone through the chemo. I had the mastectomies. The cancer is gone. You are cured.
There is nothing true about this statement. I now have a new body and a completely differ mind and mind set.
A few weeks ago I went and saw a psychiatrist. We chatted a bit. I'm not depressed by any means. I am trying to be super woman while trying to make everything "perfect" in this non-perfect life.
I get all hyped up have some sort of attack. Then a complete melt down.
She referred me to a therapist, not really knowing the difference, I have yet to call though.
Last weekend I put up my Christmas decorations. Type A. Have to have them out and ready to go by a certain date!
I always knew I would "make it" to the holidays.
I always knew this breast cancer was NOT going to kill me.
What I'm having a hard time with is this goddamn nagging voice in the back of my head telling me the cancer WILL come back. I WILL die from cancer. I will not make it my 50th Christmas. I will not see my grandchildren. I will be that person that everyone says "She was so young". This is what I am most worried about. This is my biggest stresser. MY CANCER WILL COME BACK and WILL KILL ME.
Then I get told I only have an 18% chance of anything coming back. That's such a low chance, blah, blah, blah.
I had a low to no chance of getting breast cancer at my age and I DID. I don't put much faith in the low chance talk and If I hear "don't worry so much about it" again I will scream.
I HATE my hair!
It's curly and I just plain hate it.
You know when you have a bad hair day you just don't feel pretty. No matter how good your make-up looks or what clothes you wear..you just don't feel good about yourself. That is how I feel all day err day.
Ok enough bitching. Look at this cutie!